cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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