your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
