I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
