New invention idea: vibrating tampons
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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