no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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