Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
