I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
