I faked an abortion last night.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
