I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
