This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
