Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
