I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
