hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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