I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
