im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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