You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
