And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize