I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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