nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
