so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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