I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
