i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
whose ass print is on the piano?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
