Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize