I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
