I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
