i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
