I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
