sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
