where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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