Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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