barbara walters just said penis...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
