i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
