we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
40s are totally the cure
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize