Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
