Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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