theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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