I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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