Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
