I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
