she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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