When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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