why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
