All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
