I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
