so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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