Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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