Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
