Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Rumble strips road head = magical
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
