This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
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