You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
