I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
