Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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