I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
