Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
