Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
zippers are such a cool invention
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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