I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
