im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
