You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
