you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
