i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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