I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
