i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
