I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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