then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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