sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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