He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
