I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
