Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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