Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Who died my cat blue again?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
