Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
