i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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