i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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